An Open Letter to Ipswich Selectperson Tammy Jones:
Tammy, don’t quit. Retract your resignation. Rescind your reversal. Rethink your recalculation. Revoke it, repeal it, repudiate it. Renege! You won’t regret it.
I know you love the job; you said so yourself. You’re only quitting because of those damnable personal and professional obligations. I get it, I really do. I know how distracting and draining it can be to deal with annoying life-details like mental health and children and that ominous hissing under the hood of the Saab.
And I know the $1.25 per meeting that the Town of Ipswich pays you for Select Board duty just doesn’t go far enough in the checkout aisle at Shaw’s.
Let me help.
I bring you good news. You don’t need to quit. Sure, they scraped your name off the Ipswich Select Board webpage within minutes of your resignation announcement, even though it won’t be official till October 26th. Still — regardless — I assure you, Tammy — there is hope.
Donald Trump gives us hope.
Yes, we have our nation’s actual second-term president to thank. How so? Well, our awesome leader has recently established the fact that the nation’s chief executive can declassify top-secret materials just by thinking about it. This is fact, not fake. “When the president does it,” Richard Nixon declared, “it is not illegal.” (According to at least three current Justices of the Supreme Court, it’s already “settled law.”)
How does this breakthrough in governance relate to you, Selectperson Tammy Jones? Here’s how:
“Thinking it makes it real” is not merely a federal matter. Thanks to the beautiful reality of trickle-down economics (invented in the Reagan era and indisputably verified ever since then), whatever our true president says on Truth Social universally applies to every level of government, top to bottom — all the way from the supreme halls of ultimate power at Mar-a-Lago, where a great man was robbed of the presidency, to the humble office of the lowliest local police chief who once dreamed of becoming an interim town manager. And everywhere in between. Which includes you, dear Tammy.
This means that you don’t need to attend those tiresome Select Board meetings. It’s a whole new world. You don’t even really need to log on via Zoom. They send you the meeting agenda in advance; click on it when you feel like it. Wherever you are.
Maybe you’re lounging with your iPad in front of the fire, in an elegant evening dress. Maybe you’re on the toilet, on your phone. Doesn’t matter. Scan the agenda items at your leisure.
“One Day All Alcohol License for the Baptist Church.” Waddaya think? Blip. You just voted.
“Four million dollars for the Bruni Project Backward Time-Travel Feasibility Study.” Waddaya think? Blip. You just voted.
You need to report on the progress of the Market Street Traffic Misdirection Subcommittee? Blip. You just delivered your speech. And it was awesome.
Tammy, I’m so glad for you. Glad that you’re serving on our Select Board now, when “thinking makes it real,” instead of, say, seven or eight years ago, back when it had to be real first. With this new system, you can stay on the board without ever showing up, and make a greater impact than ever.
Of course we would rather see you there in person, at Select Board meetings. But if it’s not possible to have you physically present, we would still be grateful for the benefit of your perspectives on Town issues. You’ve contributed well. We need your thinking.
Think positive, Tammy. These days, thinking is all it takes!
(Doug Brendel lives on outer Linebrook Road in Ipswich, Massachusetts. At least he thinks so. Track his meanderings via DougBrendel.com.)