On the big screen in our cafetorium today: The Muppet Election!

Is the election finally over? I mean the record-shattering, hair-splitting Massachusetts House of Representatives contest settled by a single vote out of some 24,000. Is it all over? The hand recount, the court challenge, the rulings by our rulers, everything?

Because if it’s really over, if it’s totally settled, then I’m ready to move on to the merchandising.

I’ll be opening the Every Vote Counts Museum, with an awesome exhibition featuring every one of the disputed ballots, each in its own frame under its own spotlight. Each museum guest can borrow a big magnifying glass to super-enlarge their view of the scribbled graffiti, random obscenity, and multiple Donald Trump write-in votes that complicated the manual recount. You’ll see first-hand how many ways voters are capable of failing to follow simple instructions, like “completely fill in the oval to the right of your choice.” You’ll also come face-to-face with the heartbreaking decline of our educational system, as you review the handiwork of multiple adults who never learned to color inside the lines. All in all, an emotional and meaningful museum experience.

You can visit the museum for a single modest fee (registered voters get a 10% discount), but there are also optional ticketed tours:

  • “Lawyer-licious” takes you into a replica courtroom where animatronic attorneys argue through every contested election since Gore v. Bush, but they’re singing and dancing.
  • For the kids: “Whack-a-Poll,” where each child dresses up like a judge and uses a “ballot-mallet” to club the heck out of the candidate of their choice. 
  • And our pride and joy, ideal for all ages and party affiliations: A virtual Lenny Mirra hosts our “Stop the Steal” rollercoaster ride.

Coming soon: Our museum will offer valuable workshops on important topics like “How to Fill Out a Massachusetts Ballot” and “How to Sue the Massachusetts Secretary of State.” (The “Ballot” workshop will have two separate tracks; general voters will attend “How to Use a Sharpie” while advanced voters enjoy “Better Ways to Express Your Rage.”)

In the museum gift shop, you’ll find an entertaining array of bobblehead dolls: not just the candidates and the usual Massachusetts celebs, but also the ordinary folk, the real heroes, who had to squint at the ballots, one by one, and pass judgment. Show one of these bobbleheads a mock ballot and their head will bob either “yea” or “nay.” (Tablets of mock ballots sold separately, in quantities of 24,000.)

Also in the gift shop: a precisely rendered replica of a ballot box — but slide your ballot into the slot and discover the fun truth: It’s really a shredder! So handy for home or office election fraud.

And you won’t want to head home without your commemorative “Every Vote Counts” coffee table book. This stunning full-color volume lets you relive the agony and the ecstasy of the 2022 Second Essex District race. 

For a limited time, buy one copy of the coffee table book and get a fun-filled children’s activity book free of charge. Besides coloring maps of all 5-1/2 towns in the district, and putting a sticker on their own house, that child you love will have a great time filling out an intentionally tricky ballot, and working out a maze that gets them from their own home to their proper polling place, then to court, then to court again, and finally to the State House.

As you leave the museum, we’ll give you a complimentary sticker to proudly wear home. You’ll have your choice of “I Voted,” “I Forgot,” or “I Blew It Off.”

It’s not too late to get in on the ground floor as an investor in our new Every Vote Counts Museum. And there are benefits. With a contribution of $50,000, for example, you get a lifetime supply of black Sharpies. For $100,000, I come pick you up next Election Day and drive you to your polling place.

A quarter-million and I drove you back home.

Doug Brendel lives in Precinct 4 of Ipswich, Massachusetts, 6 exhausting miles from his polling place, which may account for his ballot irregularities. Pass judgment on him at DougBrendel.com.

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