We’re the smartest, here in Massachusetts, of all the 50 states.
It’s official, according to research by the free online education platform Guru99.com: Massachusetts residents have the highest average IQ.
But we knew that.
I have not lived here long, but I’ve been here long enough to detect a sense of intellectual superiority in my fellow Bay Staters. We have Harvard, after all. We have MIT. When muckety-mucks in Washington issue orders, we snicker. How can they know better than we? (Note the correct grammar there. Someone from a dumb state probably would have said “better than us,” right?)
Of course, our top IQ ranking must be protected. There is the danger of seepage. State borders are porous, thanks to a flaw in Article IV, Section 2, of our United States Constitution. The Founding Fathers mistakenly thought it would be good to just let people travel from state to state — no entry visa required, no intelligence test, not even a quick once-over with a deodorizing spray.
So people from other states can just show up here in Massachusetts whenever they want. They can get a job here and siphon money out of our economy, they can stride into our bars and shamelessly drink our liquor, they can brazenly buy a house or rent an apartment — wait, no, I take that back. It’s virtually impossible to find housing here. But there’s nothing stopping someone from charming a local person and luring them into marriage just so they have a place to stay. Suddenly, someone of inferior intelligence is claiming Massachusetts residency and bringing our numbers down.
The IQ survey reveals just how precarious our position is. The second-smartest state is New Hampshire, right next door. And third on the list is Vermont. Connecticut is ninth. New York is in the bottom half. Rhode Island is a dismal 33rd. Look at the map. Each of these states shares a border with us. Friends, our Commonwealth is at risk.
If we’re smart — and we know we are — we will take forceful cautionary measures to keep dumbness from leaking into our beloved Massachusetts.
A few ideas:
1. If you’re an owner or employee at a business frequented by out-of-staters — one of our world-class museums, for example, or a clam place — give each guest a dictionary, maybe a thesaurus too. People from clueless states won’t use them, but there’s a chance they’ll be intimidated.
So back in the RV, as they head home, one will say, “That was scary,” and the other will say, “Let’s not move here.”
2. A variation on the dictionary-and-thesaurus idea:
Whenever you encounter someone from another state, make it your habit to casually ask them, “How do you feel about Einstein’s theory of relativity?”
Or, if you prefer, “Weren’t you knocked out by the Battle of Maipú and the Chileans’ decisive victory over Spain in April of 1818?”
If they give you a strange look, or stammer incomprehensibly, just reply with a chuckle: “Oh, you’re so cute, you [insert state name here] people — feigning ignorance like that!”
3. California’s IQ ranking is a shocking 48th out of 50. So don’t let your daughter date a California boy.
I make this recommendation from personal experience. Our youngest is about to marry a barista from Long Beach.
As you might expect, this barista comes off as charming and intelligent. My wife and I have been hopelessly snookered; we love this person.
Even worse, the young couple will not live in #48 California; they plan to settle here on the North Shore, in #1 Massachusetts. There goes the neighborhood.
This admonition, in closing: Whatever you do, dear brilliant citizenry of Massachusetts, don’t ignore the intelligence issue. It’s only smart to preserve our smarts. If we’re not careful, it will take only a generation or two for our state to go all stupid.
What a tragedy if our grandchildren were to look back on the current era of history and say, “They made us what we am.”
This essay first appeared in early April on Substack, where all of Doug’s work is previewed. Follow Doug there for first dibs.
The Outsidah 