To get from my house, on Planet Outer Linebrook in western Ipswich, to just about anywhere else in town, you have to cross Route 1, eastbound on Linebrook Road.
There’s a traffic light there. Which is basically a good thing, because vehicles barrel up and down Route 1 like refugees from a Mad Max movie, and trying to cross the road without a light would be suicidal. Especially since out here in the hinterland, many of us still use horse-drawn buggies. No, just kidding. Not many, just a few of us.
But the traffic light at Route 1 and Linebrook Road is not perfect. In fact, I suspect some nefarious backstory. Here’s why:
On any average weekday morning, the light will be red for 30 seconds or so, then green for about 15 seconds. Math was my weakest subject, but I think this means, on any average weekday morning, I should have 1 chance in 3 of catching a green light at Route 1. But I’m living in an altogether different reality. I cross that intersection sometimes as often as six times a day, but I haven’t caught the green since April.
I suspect that I’m being singled out for unfair treatment.
It’s almost as if the traffic light somehow knows it’s me. I’ve never heard my neighbors Jim Engel or Judy Field, both former members of the Ipswich Select Board, complain about the light at Route 1. Seems they sail right through. They must have connections. Is it a secret perk of Select Board service that you get a tiny transponder to keep in your car that turns the light green at Route 1? I’m not accusing anybody; I’m just asking questions. Questions about rampant government corruption. Favoritism in high places. Places I’ve obviously never inhabited.
Another possible scenario is that when I got my Covid vaccination, they sneaked a microchip into my bloodstream that alerts the traffic light to my approach. I was a little uneasy about getting my shots at Our Lady of Hope for this very reason. What if the Catholics were targeting us Episcopalians? Again, I’m not saying it happened. But what a coincidence, huh? I get my second shot on March 19th, and by April I’m stranded on Linebrook Road, waiting for the light to change so I can get to church.
However it happens — by some sinister plot or plain old bad luck or anything in between — I never, ever catch the green light at Route 1.
Of course instead of waiting for the red to change, I could illegally sidewind through the Cumby’s parking lot, exit onto Route 1, catch the green at Linebrook Road, turn left, and be on my way, all in less time than I would have spent sitting on Linebrook waiting.
But would I do it?
No. I’m a law-abiding citizen. In spite of the fact that the law has it in for me, I consider myself duty-bound to put up with the oppression. Sure, my productivity is a fraction of what it could be — I’m spending hundreds of cumulative minutes cooling my heels when I could be on my way to any number of important business activities which would enlarge the Ipswich tax base — but who am I to complain?
Doug Brendel lives mostly in his car, and not by choice. You can follow him at DougBrendel.com, or just find him most anytime at the intersection of Route 1 and Linebrook Road.