“The best way for the Democrats to proceed is for the candidates to vote off one of their own each week. There are 24 of them now, so that would give them 23 weeks of pure publicity that even Trump couldn’t match. Watch as pandemonium ensues with shifting alliances, immunity idols, fiendish challenges — you name it.”
Muldoon is Irish, complete with accent and green card, so one might not expect him to be so precisely in tune with American political shenanigans. But he’s also a newsman, and I guess this more than compensates for any immigrant/non-citizen/interloper shortcomings from which he almost certainly must suffer. With this notion of the presidential candidates voting each other off the island, Muldoon seems to be totally tuned in to our U.S. political scene and, I would say, brilliantly insightful. I hope his idea will go viral and a tidal wave of support for it will swamp the Democratic National Committee, until they have no choice but to order it up. With the Democrats culling their own herd, there will be far less blood in the water come the end of the primary campaign, increasing unity over the course of the campaign, and a heightened chance of survival for our nation and our planet. All thanks to a humble, sandy-haired foreigner living quietly in Ipswich, Massachusetts. Don’t tell me America isn’t the land of opportunity.
Once this musical-chairs odd-man-out strategy has been authorized by the Party bosses, it will be time for ordinary folks like you and me to start campaigning for whatever candidate we want to see die next. This will feel good, I’m sure, the same way the Romans felt as they cheered for the lions over the Christians.
Personally, I hope we can eliminate the most embarrassing candidates in the early rounds. I’m perhaps most disturbed by Marianne Williamson, whom Rolling Stonecalls “a cross between Stevie Nicks, a Tennessee Williams character, and your mom after she took too much Xanax on a plane.” Williamson, who reportedly officiated at the last of Liz Taylor’s eight weddings, has been endorsed by Kim Kardashian — which seems like more than reason enough to eliminate her. Fun fact: Williamson once roomed with Laura Dern, the actress who, in Jurassic Park, famously yelled “Run! Run!” — an admonition Williamson apparently mistook for political advice.
Marianne Williamson arrived at the first debates on the bottom of the polling heap — or, to be more precise, she polled the lowest of the candidates who made the debate cut. As so often happens, however, the debate changed things. The first post-debate polls revealed that Williamson, as a result of her debate performance, had managed to sink even lower. This is a candidate who may not actually need to be voted off the island because she is already thigh-deep in saltwater. When the time comes, please join me in voting for Williamson. Or is it “against”? Anyway, let’s wish her well and say good-bye.
One more advantage to Muldoon’s innovative idea: If we can lose Williamson and a few of the other percentage-fraction candidates in the next few weeks, we won’t have to squint so hard at the polling data. (Which is why, as I understand it, the weekly elimination-round idea is being vociferously opposed by optometrists.)
Anyway, here’s hoping the Democrats embrace the “Survivor” model — except for the nudity.
Thank you, John Muldoon, for everything. I salute you. If, however, the producers bring Hillary back as a surprise repeat contestant, I take it all back.
Doug Brendel lives in the outback of Ipswich, on a primitive stretch of Linebrook Road rumored to have been the location for Season 17. Follow him here at Outsidah.com, and at his new daily blog, ComplicatedEnglish.com.