Ipswich, Awesome, Totally


Dude! I promise! I will notwrite about the new Ipswich marijuana dispensary in STONER JARGON. Dude! Really!

Okay, so, I’m not really sure how I feel about medical marijuana, or recreational marijuana, or private vs. commercial marijuana; it’s all sort of a haze to me — but not thatkind of a haze, because I’m not a user. I can relate to Bill Clinton claiming never to have inhaled, because honestly, I can’t inhale anything but straight air. Try as I might, anything else absolutely gags me. Accordingly, even though I urgently want to be totally cool and totally participate, smoking dope is just not my thing. But neither is fighting people who smoke dope. I’m sort of dope-neutral. (Do they still call it “dope”? I don’t know. That’s how dope-ignorant I am.)

But let’s get this straight — no pun intended: Of all the people in Ipswich, I live closer than almost anyone else to the incoming medical marijuana dispensary, soon to appear at 31 Turnpike Road, which is Route 1, if you’re thinking straight — no pun intended.

The process of establishing a new registered marijuana dispensary at that address seems to be moving along at Town Hall. The folks who plan to open a dispensary there (at 31 Turnpike Road, I mean; not Town Hall) are officially known as New England Patient Network, or, to simplify matters, NEPN, although if you’ve been smoking their stuff, the initials are no easier than the name itself. (By the way, do you have any chips? Pretzels?)

The NEPN plan is, according to news reports, extremely complicated, if you ask me. They plan to take over about 25% of the Jaquith Carbide building. That’s a fraction, a percentage. It’s mathematical. Which is hard enough to calculate when you’re not stoned. I got D’s in math. Then they plan to buy the building outright afterthey secure the necessary permits — which sounds like a lot of advance planning, which I can hardly ever do, even as a non-drug-user. The NEPN folks reportedly say they’ll sell medical marijuana only, and won’t cultivate marijuana on site. I hope they’ll be able to keep all of these rules straight — er, uh, I don’t mean “straight”; I mean “organized.” To me, as someone who has struggled mightily to inhale a total of perhaps four and a half choking puffs of marijuana over the course of six decades, and most of them in my 20’s, it seems absolutely impossible to manage the combination of complex concepts like “25%” and “medical only” and “buy after” and “necessary permits” all coming together in a cohesive, rational business plan. Can it happen? Can what happen? What were we talking about? Which is a question I’ve asked repeatedly. Even though, I assure you, I am not a drug user. Except for martinis. One of which I’m drinking as I write this.

Bottom line: The hours of operation at the new medical marijuana dispensary — which is closer to my house than yours, I bet — will be 9 a.m. to 8 p.m. Mondays through Saturdays, and 10 a.m. to 6 p.m. on Sundays. In other words, pretty much anytime you want.

I’ve read that three other marijuana facilities will be open in the same 3.7-mile stretch of Route 1, so it’s hard to tell whether there will be a run on ours. And then there are the four stores planned for Salem, one in Danvers, and eight in Lynn. Lynn is awesome, dude!

According to published reports, Planning Board chairwoman Heidi Paek said in a recent hearing that the board was “worried about parking.” Yes, so am I. I have trouble parking my very small car in standard-sized spaces on Market Street. But on Route 1? In a cloud of medically necessary necessary — wait, I just typed that word twice — oh well, you know what I mean, right?

Anyway, whatever. Vote yes. Wait. Sorry. There’s no vote coming. Did you take my? Huh? Oh. Never mind.


Doug Brendel keeps his head clear at his drug-free-except-for-gin home on outer Linebrook Road. Occasionally he lowers himself to the level of writing a truly cheap post, and this was one of them. Still, you’re invited to follow him here at Outsidah.com, because he sometimes does better. Dude: click “Follow.” See what happens.



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