Ipswich Thanketh Thee


Dear Lord, we bow our heads as we prepare to partake of this bounty, this undeserved and literally unexpected plenteousness — I’m referring, of course, to this awesome turkey, which as You know (since You know everything, if I understand correctly) we thought we were going to buy at Marini, but then that flock of wild ones, who usually parade all over the Crane estate, for some unknown reason came strutting down into town, and I guess I wasn’t watching the road, or maybe I was doing 40 in a 25 mph zone — I don’t think that’s a sin, is it? It’s just what Ipswich drivers do. Anyway, in that split-second, it simply wasn’t possible to avoid all those turkeys, and that one unlucky one was no match for the front bumper of my Volvo, I tell ya. That bird got bumpered right up into the air and dropped on our moon-roof like a gift. The turkey never felt any pain, I am sure, and for this, we are thankful. Also for the free meat. We had never plucked a turkey before, but we looked it up on YouTube, and we made it a family project, and except for the beheading, when Norman passed out and knocked Paula’s iPhone out of her hand, which ruined the video, it was a great experience. For which we are also thankful.

We also want to express our gratitude for the many blessings you have bestowed upon us over the course of this whole year, including our not having any run-ins with the Building Inspector, which we recognize could only happen by You helping us not get caught building that little room out there in the garage. I think Grandma is going to be very happy, provided the space heater doesn’t go all sparky again. So we would also ask You to help Grandma catch the fire in time again. Thank You.

You have blessed us more than we can say, Lord, by arranging things so that our family would come to live in this lovely little town. We realize that many folks around the world don’t have the conveniences and opportunities and advantages that we have, living here in Ipswich as we do. We never have to worry about finding a sub sandwich, or someplace to have our hair done, or an architect. We have complete peace of mind. Also, Lord, we want You to know, we never take for granted the constant, reassuring sense of safety and security that we enjoy here, thanks to the diligence of all the Ipswich police officers still on the force.

Thank You, Lord, for helping us all year long to dodge the worst of the potholes on Linebrook Road without crossing the center line into oncoming traffic, which we clearly recognize as a supernatural miracle of Your grace because it defies the laws of physics. We also thank you for the $3 million voted by the majority for that total redo on Linebrook, and we humbly ask that you send your angels with swords of blazing fire and strike the Town authorities with boils and leprosy to encourage them to get the work going, before another cyclist breaks a tooth jouncing along the shoulder.

And now, as we begin this glorious meal, we ask only two things: first, that you make us worthy of such gifts as You have seen fit to grant to us; and second, that the cranberries won’t make us sick, since the folks we bought them from sort of dodged the Food Inspector.

We lift a toast to the Board of Selectmen, who grant our liquor licenses and bring us so much happiness. Amen.



One thought on “Ipswich Thanketh Thee

  1. Anonymous

    Doug, you get betta every year! Should you ever tire of the east coastal digs, park city awaits you. All the cold, no potholes (were rich here) and lots of young folks riding bikes up hills…past you! Miss you buddy..,David

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