You Look Like a Million Bucks

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I am not very good at arithmetic. I’m not even sure how to spell it.

So when somebody talks about “a million,” I am not really confident about how many zeroes might be in there.

But if you talk about a million dollars, I can tell you this: I’m impressed.

For my own safety and that of my family, my wife keeps our books — far away from me. I’m not even sure where our “books” are, or what they look like. In any case, however, I have never heard my bookkeeper-wife use the term “million” in any conversation about our family finances. I’ve heard her use phrases like “overdraft” and “severe austerity” and “hand over your MasterCard,” but never “million.”

On the other hand, I am proud to live among millionaires. I didn’t realize, when I scanned the entire planet and chose a town to move to, that Ipswich has millionaires. In fact, we have plenty of millionaires. The Boston Business Journal recently released a “Research Alert” that shows how many people who earn $1 million or more per year live in each Massachusetts city and town.

We made the list! I’m so happy!

And we made a pretty good showing, in my opinion — although without any help from me. We’ve got more million-dollar earners than Topsfield. We beat out Danvers, too. We creamed Newbury and West Newbury. We left Rockport, Essex, and Georgetown in the dust.

And let’s not even talk about Rowley. Rowley only has four million-dollar earners. Ipswich has 41!

Now please understand: These are no mere millionaires. A “millionaire” is defined as someone who has income and assets totaling a million or more. If you’re in a contest, racing to achieve “millionaire” status, you can pile up your house, your savings, your investments — or at least this is what a friend has explained to me; I have no personal experience with the concept of “savings” or “investments.” But anyway, once you add up all this stuff, you get to a million dollars a lot more quickly.

But the Boston Business Journal study looked at people who actually have a million dollars or more coming in every year. This is a lot of money.

And it makes me feel even more confident about living in Ipswich. There’s money flowing in! Plus, we have really good millionaires. Our Ipswich millionaires don’t just make a million dollars. Our Ipswich millionaires make an average of almost $2.5 million a year. Rowley’s millionaires don’t even make an average of $1.8 million. Our millionaires could take their millionaires any day of the week.

The Journal report also shows that here in Ipswich, we have one million-dollar earner every 1.3 square miles. Having struggled to do the math, I believe this must mean, if you take all those Open Spaces out of the equation, you have one million-dollar earner for every 0.65 square miles. Then subtract our 10 square miles of water, and the number is even smaller. Think of it! You can hardly swing a cat in this town without hitting a millionaire!

Of course, the millionaire report didn’t provide the names of the individual millionaires. Keep your eyes open. If you suspect someone of being an Ipswich millionaire, report back right away via Millionaires@DougBrendel.com. Watch for key clues, including but not limited to the following: Gold-plated snowblower. Dollar bills as kindling. Limo to Transfer Station. Helicopter to Town Meeting. Steady stream of visitors from Hamilton. Extravagant use of Town garbage bags.

Once we identify these guys, I’m tellin’ ya, happy days are here again. We have hardly any problems, here in Ipswich, that a few generous millionaires couldn’t solve. I can hardly wait!

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