It’s over between us

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It’s over.

I’m finished with Google Voice.

Taking a Google Voice phone number was one of the worst decisions I have ever made.

I wanted an Ipswich phone number, a number which reflected my own local, beloved community.

I thought Google Voice would interface seamlessly with my beloved iPhone.

But no.

It has been a rocky, ruinous misadventure.

Google does not really play well in the sandbox with Apple, so phoning and texting have become painful multi-button efforts carried on the broken wings of delay.

If I don’t go through the Google app to call or text you, my call or text shows up on your phone in something like a foreign language.

And when your call or text comes in to my “new” Google Voice number on my “old” iPhone — if and/or when it comes at all — you appear to be a stranger.

I won’t have you being a stranger.

You’re my friend.

You’re known.

You’re loved.

Google Voice is the enemy, the wicked agent of confusion who stands between us like a sociopathic bouncer outside the nightclub of life.

This must end.

Google Voice must be banished.

I will no longer be 978 238 8852.

I have loved my Ipswich phone number, but I have missed too many calls and texts, and I have been misrepresented, misunderstood, and just plain missed too many times.

I will henceforth be what I was: 978 810 1005.

No, it is not an Ipswich number.

I’m sorry.

It’s a Peabody number.

It’s not my fault.

It’s the number AT&T assigned me when I first moved to Ipswich.

But it’s the number that reaches my iPhone clean and correct and straight and simple and productive and helpful and healthful and the phone actually rings and the text actually beeps and all’s well.

My humblest apologies to all who have struggled with my Google Voice texts (“Who are you?”) and my phone calls (“Do I know you?”).

The pain is over, my friends.

Gone are the long days of wondering what dreadful pilgrimage Doug must be on.

I am home.

I am back with my iPhone, free from the gummy bacterial glecch of Google Voice.

Please change my contact info in your records.

Please know that I will never, ever change my phone number again. God willing.

If you hear at some point in the future that I have changed my phone number again, please simply delete me entirely from your records — my name, my address, my phone, my email, my website, my Facebook and Twitter feeds, my membership in the North Shore Y, my delightful Only in Ipswich books, everything.

Please continue to give to my charity, New Thing, caring for needy people in the former Soviet Union.

But otherwise, delete me.

My phone number is 978 810 1005.

That’s all.

Forever.

I promise.

Please, dear God, don’t let me relapse to Google Voice.

Amen.

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