It’s Time for Ipswich Jeopardy!


a Jeopardy

(Cue theme music. Audience hums along.)

(Announcer:) Welcome back to Ipswich Jeopardy! And here’s your host, the Outsidah himself, Doug Brendel!

(Doug:) “Thank you, Chief Nikas. And thank you, good people of Ipswich. Welcome to our program. Let’s play Jeopardy! Contestant #1?”

(Contestant #1:) “Legends for $100, Doug.”

(Doug:) “They call her ‘No-Nonsense Nellie’ behind her back.”

(Contestant #1:) “Who is the Town Manager?”

(Doug:) “No, they call the Town Manager ‘No-Nonsense Nellie’ to her face. We were looking for ‘Who is the Town Clerk?’”

(Contestant #2:) “Legends for $200.”

(Doug:) “Named for a toilet-maker, it has toilets but no garbage cans.”

(Contestant #2:) “What is Crane Beach?”

(Doug:) “Yes!”

(Contestant #2:) “Legends for $300.”

(Doug:) “This sometime-Santa holds the most regulation-laden entertainment license in B&B history.”

(Contestant #2:) “Who is Ray Morley?”

(Doug:) “Right again.”

(Contestant #2:) “Legends for $400, please.”

(Doug:) “His constant blogging about Ipswich history makes his wife crazy.”

(Contestant #2:) “Who is Gordon Harris?”

(Doug:) “That’s right, he’s wrecking his marriage at”

(Contestant #2:) “Permits for $100, please.”

(Doug:) “This permit, normally simple and straightforward, requires air conditioning, closed windows, a 40-seat maximum, a parking monitor, and a 10 p.m. weekend quitting time, and bans sound amplification, only at the Ipswich Inn.”

(Contestant #2:) “What is an entertainment license?”

(Doug:) “Yes, back to that amazing Ray Morley story.”

(Contestant #2:) “Stupidity for $100, please.”

(Doug:) “It passes through six towns and part of a seventh before tipping the Outsidah’s canoe and ruining his iPhone.”

(Contestant #2:) “What is the Ipswich River?”

(Doug:) “That’s correct, I’m sorry to say. You’re rolling! And so was my canoe.”

(Contestant #2:) “Stupidity for $200, please.”

(Doug:) “Right-of-way has little or no meaning in Ipswich, and least of all here.”

(Contestant #2:) “What is Rowley?”

(Doug:) “No, I’m sorry. Anyone else?”

(Contestant #3:) “What is the northbound curve at Lord’s Square, where people see the eastbound and westbound drivers at their stop signs and think they have to stop too?”

(Doug:) “No, I’m sorry. We were looking for ‘What is Five Corners?’ Five Corners. And now it’s time for Final Jeopardy. The topic is ‘No Pain, No Gain.’ Write down how much of your money you want to wager on this final answer. Ready? Here we go. The answer is: ‘Selectman, minister, and newspaper editor.’ Contestant #1, show us your question.”

(Contestant #1:) “Who brings us more bad news than anybody else?”

(Doug:) “No, I’m sorry, that would be the Fox Network. How much did you bet?”

(Contestant #1:) “Well, I’m a native New Englander; I thought I understood pain. So I bet it all.”

(Doug:) “Ooh, so sorry, you’re wiped out. Okay, Contestant #2: The answer is ‘Selectman, minister, newspaper editor.’ Show us your question, please.”

(Contestant #2:) “Who holds the real reins of power in Ipswich?”

(Doug:) “No, too bad, that would be the Special Assistant to the Town Manager and the Board of Selectmen, Jen Breaker.”

(Contestant #2:) “Oh, nooooo! Jen Breaker! She totally had me fooled. I thought she was like this worthless clueless do-nothing little goody-two-shoes.”

(Doug:) “No, she’s actually the primary energy source controlling your life. And how much did you wager?”

(Contestant #2:) “All of it.”

(Doug:) “Ouch! Well, Contestant #3, if you get this right, it looks like you’re going to win this round. The answer is ‘Selectman, minister, newspaper editor.’ What’s the question?”

(Contestant #3:) “What are the three worst jobs in New England?”

(Doug:) “You’re right! You’re our new champion! You take home all your money — in Ipswich cheerleaders car wash vouchers!

(Chief Nikas:) Join us again tomorrow for another episode of … Ipswich Jeopardy!”

(Cue theme music. Audience hums along.)



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