Down by the Old (Rumor) Mill Stream

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rumors

Rumors have been swirling around Ipswich over the past couple of weeks, since someone reported seeing a couple of mega-brilliant movie actors at Ipswich’s outstanding SALT Kitchen & Rum Bar on Market Street.

Supposedly, it was the incomparable Bill Murray (Saturday Night Live, Ghostbusters, Groundhog Day, and a Best Actor Oscar nomination for Lost in Translation) and Frances McDormand (she won the Best Actress Oscar for Fargo, and a Tony Award for Best Actress two years ago).

Knowing that you come to The Outsidah for all your serious news, I did some serious research. This involved actually going to SALT, actually taking a table, actually paying for a meal, and actually asking a server what she knew.

Fiona (perhaps her real name) confirmed that McDormand had been in the restaurant at least once, though she allegedly didn’t seem to want to be noticed. Murray, on the other hand, was apparently at SALT at least twice, and reportedly acted the way a guy who’s famous for the pool-doodie scene in Caddyshack could be expected to act: He was totally cool about drooling fans interrupting him for selfies and autographs. At least this is what Fiona told me.

If, indeed, major Hollywood celebrities are shooting movies on the North Shore and choosing an Ipswich venue for their evening dining, I salute their good taste — in restaurants, and in towns. SALT is superb, and Ipswich has 17 additional eateries to try out. We may even soon have a drive-through. I for one would like to see more celebrity action in Ipswich. Wouldn’t it be heartening to catch Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg eating a strawberry frosted as she pulls onto Central Street in her Volvo?

Unfortunately, however, rumors give rise to additional rumors. And every rumor has to be chased down. A rumor run amok can destroy the fabric of a small town. Remember the witch trials. Remember the Old Town Hall performing arts center.

So, as a public service, I would like to set the record straight on some other supposed rumors swirling about in Ipswich in recent weeks.

  1. Was that Sean Connery looking as sexy as ever rumbling through town on a hot motorcycle? No, that was Pat McNally.
  2. About that Dunkin’ Donuts drive-through. It is not a sure thing. Nor, however, is it impossible. Yes, Lord’s Square is tricky. But I understand the guys who built the High Street Bridge are suggesting we let them build the drive-through as an overpass. Also, the Big Dig guys might be able to make it a tunnel. It might eventually connect all the way to the former sinkhole on Hayward Street.
  3. Did you hear that the Chronicle published a column by Jamie Lee Curtis? Uh, I think you have her confused with Jamie Lee Wallace.
  4. Did Bill Gates actually turn up in Ipswich to bring his genius to bear upon the future of our Town? No. That was Glenn Gibbs.
  5. Was that Bill Belichick traipsing across the ball fields on Mile Lane looking for a new Patriots practice site? No. The hoodie probably fooled you. It may have been Kevin Murphy, working off the stress after a long weekend of sparring with the Ipswich Watchdogs on Facebook.
  6. Was Lindsay Lohan actually shoplifting at the Ipswich Family Dollar? It’s an insult even to ask the question. Why shouldn’t our Family Dollar be good enough?
  7. Is it true that Barack Obama came to the office of Ipswich IT Director Greg Parachojuk to get advice on how to fix the ObamaCare website? Yes. However, it didn’t work out. While Greg does work a long Monday, 8 a.m. to 7 p.m., as well as 8 to 4 Tuesday through Thursday, he is only available 8 to noon on Fridays, and Barack was only able to stop by at 2:30. More tough luck for our President.
  8. Did Jesus actually attend Ascension Memorial last Sunday? No. That was me.
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