Fear Is Thicker Than Water

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water droplet prepped

Did you receive the notice?

“It has come to the attention of the Water Department that many customers have received a mailing from a private company recommending a water sample be sent to them for testing.”

This company, the Water Department says, is not affiliated with the Town of Ipswich. They’re just soliciting business for water filters.

“The Water Department would like to reassure any concerned customers that their water is safe and meets or exceeds all state and federal water quality parameters.”

If the mailing doesn’t work, I imagine they’ll ramp up a telemarketing campaign. Soon your phone will ring.

“Mrs. Schloshmacher, I’m calling because of concerns in the Town of Ipswich about the water supply. Have you noticed a somewhat strange taste in your tap water yet?”

“Oh my.”

“Now, there’s no reason to be alarmed, quite yet anyway, Mrs. Schloshmacher. We can help you.”

“What’s wrong with my water?”

“Well, you know, water has a certain chemical makeup, and the latest samples of Ipswich water indicate that it may contain twice as much hydrogen as oxygen.”

“Oh dear.”

“Also, we’ve run studies on your Ipswich water, and in laboratory testing, it is actually not very stable.”

“Really!”

“We’ve tested it on inclines and irregular surfaces, and we’ve found that it tends to move downhill. Very disturbing.”

“I had no idea!”

“At certain low temperatures, we’ve found that Ipswich water actually gets stiff, sometimes even solid, and stops flowing at all. But we’ve also tested it at high temperatures and, I’m sorry to report, your Ipswich water often literally disappears. You’re paying for water, and you wind up with nothing.”

“That is an outrage!”

“We have found also that your Ipswich H2O dissolves certain substances.”

“My, my.”

“You don’t want to be taking your bath in something that dissolves stuff, do you?”

“I don’t know what to say!”

“And maybe most tragic of all, for the unsuspecting people of Ipswich, your Town water has been linked to drownings.”

“Horrible! What can I do, young man?”

“I really believe, for your own protection, you need to order our water purification system. For just $139.95, you can have complete confidence that the water you drink, and cook with, and bathe in, is as safe as can be.”

“Oh, yes, this sounds wonderful. I am so grateful. Bring it as quickly as possible, please.”

“I think you’re making a wise decision, ma’am. I’ll arrange for our representative to be out there tomorrow. But since you do live in Ipswich, let me also ask you one more very important question: Have you noticed that somewhat strange smell in your air?”

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