Honest, Officer!

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beleagured cop

I subscribed to the Ipswich Chronicle months before I actually arrived in town to take occupancy of my new/old house. I enjoyed the paper very much, but I was truly mesmerized by the Police Log. It seemed to reveal that my new hometown-to-be was another kind of world. A number of entries seemed to paint a completely unexpected picture in my imagination:

12:16 p.m. Suspicious items found were reported on Lafayette Road.

10:35 a.m. A suspicious phone call was reported on High Street.

6:25 a.m. Suspicious “No Parking” signs on South Main Street were reported.

6:50 p.m. Someone banging on the door was suspicious on High Street. (Like banging on the door wouldn’t be all that suspicious on, say, Town Farm Road?)

12:15 p.m. Malicious property damage was reported on Lafayette Road. (As opposed to the friendly property damage we used to do in Chicago.)

7:17 p.m. Simple threats were made on Kimball Avenue. (“I don’t want this to be complicated, dear. If you don’t shut up, I’m going to kill you.”)

8:22 p.m. A simple assault was reported on Kimball Avenue. (Whack! “Well, that wasn’t too complicated, was it?”)

4:10 p.m. A dog complaint was made on North Ridge Road. Animal Control advised a resident of the leash law. (What does this mean? What happened? “Hello, police? This is Rover, I’m a beagle here on North Ridge Road, and my owner refuses to put me on my leash.”)

11:11 a.m. A kayak complaint was made on Little Neck Road. (Of course a kayak is going to complain. “Hey, can’t you please put me in the water?”)

2:39 a.m. Officers checked on a person urinating in public on South Main Street. A summons was issued. (I’m thinking, issue a diaper!)

9:19 a.m. Police checked on people in an unoccupied apartment on Southern Heights. (If it’s unoccupied, how are there people in it?)

10:10 a.m. An officer checked on a vehicle occupied by a feline on River Road. (“Meow! To you it’s just a Volvo, but to me, it’s home.”)

11:12 a.m. A person walking and looking confused was reported on Linebrook Road. (“No officer, I’m not really confused, I just look this way!”)

Sometimes there are little action movies in the Police Log:

5:13 p.m. An officer made a motor vehicle stop for speeding on Linebrook Road at Marini’s Farm.

5:24 p.m. An officer made a motor vehicle stop for speeding on Linebrook Road at Leslie Road.

5:28 p.m. An officer made a motor vehicle stop for speeding on Linebrook Road at Plains Road.

This driver just does not learn, does he!

9:01 p.m. An unwanted party was reported on Lafayette Road. (What does this mean? “Officer, I told my husband I didn’t want a party this year. I hate it that I’m turning 40. But now look what he did! Balloons, and streamers!”)

11:14 p.m. An unwanted guest was reported on Kimball Avenue. (“Officer, I told my husband I didn’t want a party this year. But now look what he did! He invited Harold!”)

I went ahead and moved here anyway. I still love the Police Log. Except now it’s about my neighbors. And me!

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