Ipswich at the Olympics! Yes!


Ipswich at the Olympics! Yes!

The opening ceremonies of the Olympic Games absolutely thrilled me, and not just because the Queen parachuted in with James Bond. I was thrilled to realize that there are entire countries way smaller than the Town of Ipswich. Some of these countries, even West Newbury could stomp on.
On top of this, you don’t have to be an actual independent country to compete in the Olympics. In the parade of “nations,” we saw teams from Guam (the U.S. owns it) and the British Virgin Island (guess who owns them), to name a couple.
What does this mean for us, here in Ipswich?
It means we can field a team in 2016.
Tuvalu (where you stop for gas, if you must, halfway between Hawaii and Australia), has less than 11,000 people, but they compete in track & field. Even Swampscott could crush them.
I think we could beat Nauru, which has fewer than 10,000 people, in judo or weightlifting, which are their two biggest Olympic sports. We have martial arts folks on Market Street; and for heavy lifting, we have the sewer pipe guys tearing up Randall Road. I would put our High Street bridge-building crew up against “St. Vincent and the Grenadines” any day.
Sorry, I can’t wait. I’m going ahead on this.
Letter to the head of the International Olympic Committee:
Greetings. Please consider this request for the Town of Ipswich, Massachusetts, to be included as an official entry in the 2016 Summer Olympics. (Please designate us as “Ipswich,” not “Town of Ipswich,” because your Parade of Nations is alphabetically sequenced, and most of us here in Ipswich will nod off by the time you get to the M’s or, at the latest, the P’s.)
I strongly believe that between now and 2016, we can organize Ipswich into a number of viable teams. We have five selectmen; they are a built-in basketball squad. Charlie is awesome at center; and now that you have approved artificial limbs for Olympic competition, I am personally planning a fundraising drive to get our longest-serving selectman an Olympic-quality spring-leg. I have checked with him personally, and he is willing to do what it takes to make the team, in spite of his misgivings about the fake leg giving him an unfair advantage. Yes, I understand that in b-ball a bench is important, and alternates must be selected, but this is no problem in Ipswich: We have a large pool of former selectmen who are ready and willing to take shots.
We are also ready to compete in kayak (School Committee members will practice at Little Neck), tennis (some of Mr. Updike’s old friends are still going strong), sailing (half the town is Olympic-qualified already), fencing (we are training continuously in this, in Town Meetings), and table tennis (me). We also have wrestlers with lots of experience: our two squads of Feoffees have been scrimmaging for some time.
Also, in archery, we have a number of individuals who appear to be self-trained and quite deadly. They have been practicing on Facebook and I have no doubt that they will be willing to represent Ipswich to the world, come 2016.
I look forward to receiving the good news that Ipswich will be marching in the next Summer Olympics Parade of Nations: India … Indonesia … Ipswich … Iran … Iraq….
Warmest regards,
Doug Brendel
P.S. Please get back to me at Outsidah.com. Thanks again.


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