Good news, good people of Ipswich: You’re safe here.
And to get even safer, get into your car and hit the road.
Yes, it’s official. The National Highway Traffic Safety Administration now says that, mile for mile, you are less likely to die in a car crash in Massachusetts than anywhere else in the United States. Do not head north into New Hampshire, or south into Rhode Island, or west into New York State. Your chances of being croaked in your car go up instantly, the moment you cross the state line. And do NOT drive in Montana. Your odds of being wiped out in a car crash in Montana are 233% greater in Montana than in Massachusetts. Plus, you are 481% likelier to be finished off by a Republican.